Many discussions recently have inspired me to ask my readers for some specific advice!
How do you know when you should get divorced to protect the kids?
Many people refuse or delay divorce under the guise doing whats best for the kids, when 'what's best', is to actually divorce.
I am writing a report on this subject and I would love your opinion on the matter ASAP. After all, as a friend of mine put it recently, 'her opinion' is her favorite subject. I trust its yours too.
Thanks,
Corey Donaldson
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14 comments:
This is a hot-button issue for me, C.
If the adults in the situation are like most adults, they begin to act like children during marital discord. Here are some good indications you are not doing your kids any favors by staying married:
1. You fight in front of the kids--not discuss your differences in a calm manner, but fight including but not limited to: name-calling, violence of any kind (throwing things, shoving, pushing, hitting, violent words, threats of harm to self or your spouse)yelling, including the kids in the fight ("Look, you're upsetting little Mikey!")
2. You try to recruit the kids to 'your' side.
3. You tell the kids inappropriate things about your spouse, even if they 'deserve to know' what a (fill in the blank) their mather/father is.
4. In order to not fight, everyone walks on eggshells--a feeling of explosive energy in the home. Kids are smart--they pick up on it.
5. Your children are showing signs of emotional distress due to domestic discord ie: problems at school; reverting to earlier-stage development; fighting among siblings; nightmares; overly clingy or, in adolescents, more withdrawn; alcohol and drug abuse,just to name a few.
6. One of the parents is an addict and chooses to not seek treatment or help.
7. This should go without saying--ANY form of abuse to the children.
Any form of abuse to one partner (with the abuser unwilling to take steps to change behavior)
8. The relationship is so toxic that the kids begin to mirror and model destructive behavior (girls choosing abusive friends, boys getting in fights and bullying at school)
Bottom line is this, Corey--people need to grow the f*** up. Pull your heads out of your selfish asses and PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST. Ask yourselves: Am I happy? Are my children happy? What part have I played in my marital problems? How can I improve myself? How can I help my children understand if their father/mother and I split? How can I reinforce a positive relationship with my children and their other parent?
Because here's the thing: Children identify with both parents. Boy or girls, male or female. When you degrade your spouse in front of them or to them, you are whittling away at their very core sense of self. You are destroying their self-esteem and you are ensuring that they will never come out on top after you do finally split up.
Personal story. My son came home and told me his dad didn't like me anymore because I moved 'far away' (to another town 35 minutes away.
I was furious. I knew his dad didn't 'like me' anymore because i got remarried and he was jealous and hurt. Instead of sying something to refute it, I simply said: "I'm sorry your dad feels so sad right now. Even though he's unhappy with me, we both love you very much and you are always going to be our sweet little boy."
The relief on his face was obvious. He needed to know he was safe and loved.
That's all kids want to know, Corey; if they are safe and loved.
JulieAnn
Hi Cory! I stayed in a broken marriage for 2 ½ years after I knew it was time to quit because I didn’t want to disrupt my children’s lives. I asked my self, “What is it going to take to make me happy?” I realized I had been delaying the divorce because emy happy ness would come at my children’s expense. Or so I thought. Yes, I would be pulling them out of their home and possibly switching schools and all of the other residual effects a divorce can have on a child BUT what I was giving them was a happy, well balanced mom. You see, by staying where I was, I was depressed, short with the kids due to my unhappy ness and every time my husband came home, I would think of any reason I could to leave the house. Not much of a good example for the kids. I was never there in the evenings and forget showing them what a healthy functioning relationship between mom and dad looks like. I decided I wanted better for my babies. I wanted them to experience mom as alive and joyous! Fun and playful and full of energy. I wanted them to experience me in my essence. They didn’t know that side of me and I realized I was short changing them by staying in a home where that’s all it was..... a home. They needed a mom more than a house. I realized that no matter where we were living, a mom at her best would make the home a home, not the walls. The one thing that has helped my kids make a smooth transition is their dad and I are committed to the children’s well being. We don’t keep them from each other in an effort to hurt or punish the other person. We don’t like each other much but our kids don’t know that because of the way we CHOOSE to interact with each other when it involves the kids. I got a divorce and I protected my kids from an unhappy house hold and gave them a mom full of life. One day they will see that their dad and mom weren’t a good match and I know they will be happy that I chose better for myself. I loved my self enough! Today...I choose to be happy. I look back at my parents divorce and I too am thankful my mom chose happy. For her and for me. :) Raine Willis
This is a tough and controversial subject. There are no right or wrong answers, nor are there any simplistic black and white solutions. I am sharing my own perspective, based on my own life experiences.
I am the author of a new book about parenting and divorce. I also grew up in a family that stayed together for the sake of the kids, so I have a good perspective on both sides of this topic. Obviously neither option is one any family would choose – they both create pain and hurt.
However, I am opting in on the side of divorce as preferable to years of living in a home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children grow up surrounded by sadness and anger. That’s the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later. Dr. Phil often says, “I’d rather come from a dysfunctional family than be in one.” I firmly believe he’s right.
Staying in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice that doesn’t touch upon the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a couple in name only. There is no positive role model of how marriage can and should be lived. Happiness, harmony, collaboration, respect and joy are all absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together. Children feel it, are confused by it, often blame themselves, are usually guilt-ridden and experience little peace in childhood.
That’s why I chose the other route when my marriage was failing. However, I intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I consciously created what I call a child-centered divorce, co-parented with my former husband, shared custody and maintained a positive relationship with my ex for the decade to follow. Most gratifying for me is the satisfaction of my now adult son writing the introduction to my new book, acknowledging the merits of my philosophy and behavior.
How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! provides an innovative new way to have the dreaded “divorce” talk. What makes the book unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I say it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to break the news to their children.
Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators and other professionals from around the world have been endorsing my novel approach to this subject. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well.
My purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children.
I provide six essential messages every child needs to hear and understand when divorce or separation are pending. I also advise parents, for the sake of their kids, to choose to create a “child-centered divorce” and highlight all the short- and long-term advantages in the months, years and decades to come.
If parents have the maturity and determination to re-connect, get professional assistance and stay together in a renewed commitment to marriage, that would absolutely be ideal. The entire family will benefit and the healing will be a blessing. However, if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence and apathy of sleep-walking through a dead marriage, divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for all concerned. But only – and this is the key point
-- only if parents consciously work on creating a harmonious, collaborative child-centered divorce that puts the children’s emotional and psychological needs first!
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
www.childcentereddivorce.com
I would say stay married at all cost. Work your way around your problem no matter how hard it is. No doubt a lot of patience, humility and sacrifice is called for but it is absolutely worth the effort.
Divorce is hard on the children. Every child of a divorcee suffers from this painful separation through no fault of their own. None can grow up without scars that can have a dire effect on their lives and their relationship with others in the long run.
We owe it to our children to keep the family together. I always believe when there is a will, there is a way. Do not be afraid to ask for help when you come to dead end. Pray if you must but never ever give up.
Kudos to the two comments after mine. Very well said.
As to the gentleman who made te fourth comment I say this: that is a lovely theory, but it doesn't always work. You are requiring that all adults act like adults, and frankly, not all of them do. Many adults can't put their differences aside and work through it. Both choices are hard--staying and leaving. But coming from a "broken home" is better than coming out of an intact one, broken.
Whether or not divorce will protect the kids depends on why you are getting a divorce.
This is not a "one size fits all" question. I tend to agree with Patrick Ling. We, as parents should stay married at all cost to our own happiness.
That, of course, means acting like adults and putting your children's needs first. But, as Julie said, most adults have their heads so far up their butts that their children's needs are rarely considered.
I'm the writer and editor for the Divorce Support site at About.com. The articles I write on the subject of children and divorce are my least read articles.
That tells me that very few people who divorce ask themselves if what they are doing is in their child's best interest.
I'm also a Divorce Coach and Legal Investigator. What I've learned through my work with divorcing couples is this...divorce does not end conflict in most cases.
If you didn't like someone while married to them, divorce isn't going to change those negative feelings.
Children who were exposed to conflict in the marriage are, more than likely going to be exposed to conflict after the marriage ends.
Maybe a better question would be why, as parents aren't we able to commit to doing what is best for our children? Whether we choose to divorce or stay married.
I've been getting emails on this subject. Here's a few I am forwarding from my inbox:
Leo Writes:
I would never encourage parents who can't stand each other to stay together for the the kids. Parents must be devoted to each other and put each other first in order provide the right nurturing environment for the kids. If they can't stand each other and they stay together, the negative influence and environment they create is far more detrimental. Other than that I have no strong feelings.
Mark writes:
from my experience it doesn't really matter what you do because of the family court system, must arrest policies, etc. Women have far too much legal power today- give a woman that much power & you've created a monster. I feel starting any relationship/marriage today for a man is like starting a 1000 mile roadtrip with four flat tires and no spare.
Culturally men and women are already divorced as I was saying in the essay. If you give a woman the power to do whatever she wants, she becomes the preying mantis... she mates with the male and then slices off his head and eats him so to speak. From my perspective you are simply far too optimistic. I, myself, have given up all hope- I've been married, have a son and a daughter who are grown- I have had countless girlfriends, but now I just look at women and all I can think of is child support, because relationships simply don't last anymore. I now live alone and have for the last 2 years. No, I'm not ugly- good job- I could 'get' a lot of women. Do I get lonely? Lonely for what? A monster of a human being who simply tries to 'correct' me all day and doesn't even know what accountability is herself? A person who will stab you in the back in the blink of an eye because by nature they are amoral? Lonely for that? To be 'lonely' there has to be something to be lonely for. I have something now I have never had before in my life... peace.
Mike writes:
My wife and I were recently discussing this subject. We disagree on alot of things and have few things in common except 4 kids, being stubborn and independent. We dont believe in it. Couples need to work there shit out. The only time its ok to get divorced when kids are involved is when there is abuse. Yeah, we can say having a loving, open, honest, WETF, you want to add, relationship between husband and wife is all important. But when kids are added to the equation it changes, they need a mom and a dad! I think people find way to many reasons to get divorced instead of reasons to stay married. Just like people find ways to get offended, loss of job, finances, not enough sex, to much sex, blah, blah, blah. Never accepting responsibility for ther own actions or letting circumstances dictate their behavior. YOU are ultimately responsible for your happiness! People just need to get over themselves and stop being selfish and look at the big picture. And this is from a guy who is one self indulgent MF! Hell my business and finances are in the toilet, I dont blame anyone for that except me. I know its temporary, just money, that can easily be replaced. Last time I lost everything, I came back ten times stronger. If that,s any indication my next comeback will put me on Forbes, now thats exciting shit!
I would love to have these types of discussions with who ever...
Isadora Alman writes:
If there are children in a relationship and they are in any danger of being abused by a parent who is not in control, due to alcohol, drugs, or psychological issues, a responsible parent's duty is to protect them at all cost - either by leaving with them or by forcing the offending parent to leave. Whether or not divorce follows can be sorted out later. The children's safety - physical and psychological - needs to be paramount.
Judy writes:
Corey,
That is a loaded question to be sure. I think not all situations are created equal.... if you know what I mean.
I do think however, that if there is abuse involved in a relationship, either between spouses and especially toward the children then it is time to go. But with that said, that can be easier said then done. If a woman is with a very violent man for instance it can be very dangerous to leave without serious preparations and back up plans in place.
Some people can have a very bad relationship and turn things around with counseling and such....that does happen, but unfortunately not often enough.
Any abuse is not best for the kids.... however, just having a bad relationship is not always the worst thing for the kids either. Kids need both parents....but sometimes you just have to walk away. especially if one parent refuses to get help or take responsibility...
I am no counsler,but you wanted my opinion.... so there it is...
Most divorces happen because both partners did not try hard enough to make their marriage work. It is all too easy to give up something that we no longer enjoy.
We must remember the ones who suffers most are always the children. The negative impact on them is often lifelong and devastating, both emotionally and psychologically.
By saying no to divorce, both parties will be committed to find ways and means to make their marriage work. And often if they look hard enough, there is a solution out there!
I always believe in the goodness of mankind. People, even hardened criminals, can change if they receive enough love. If we can't do it alone, seek help from others. I am sure there are many people of goodwill who is willing to lend a helping hand. Be it professionals or people of God.
Protecting the sanctity of marriage is a noble thing that must be defended to the grave. After all, weren't we the ones who promised in our marriage vows that we would stay together in good times and BAD...till death do us part?
Our children must be taught how to live together in times of adversity - they must be made aware that in life, there is such thing called love and forgiveness. This is a lesson there will have a far-reaching impact on the society. If healing cannot be made to happen at home, what hope is there for it to happen in the society.
Corey,
Interesting stuff here. I love all the posts. People are really fired up about this. Not having childern, I would have to say I'm certainly no expert on this topic but I feel strongly if a child is being abused, it is up to the repsonsible non-abusing parent to protect that child. I can only imagine the life I could have had now had my mother protected me from my father's constant and lethal verbal abuse. I think she's finally starting to see the toll on my life after she decided to stay with him despite the abuse. Now speaking as someone who's been in long term relationships, if after a few years of trying to make it work and going the distance with couples therapy and forgiveness etc. etc. and it's still not working, then yes get out. If I had kids in the above scenario I would certainly drag it out longer hoping things would change with daily effort but at some point if there was no progress or my partner wasn't cooperating the healthiest thing for me and my children would be a divorce. Kids need to be around healthy amd stable parents. I don't believe in staying together even if the relationship is toxic because the kids are impacted by it. After awhile it takes its toll on them. I guess the deciding factor for me would if I had kids would be "when" to get out. The kids' health would come first. I think for any parent, that should trump any romantic relationship.
Brenda
Let me be clear about something here. By suggesting that one should stay married,I am most definitely not saying that we should not protect our children. Far from it, children should be protected from all forms of abuses.
But the question at hand is can children be spared from the evil of divorce in the process of protecting them? If the answer is yes, why not give marriage a chance.
You can start by seeking professional help or assistance from any support group in the neighbourhood. If that fails, explore other options as well. Or are we living in a world that is so poor that there is no such thing as hope?
Life is how we make of it. If you think you can stay married and at the same time protect your children, who is there to say that you cannot. It all depends on whether you are brave enough to make that decision.
The future, as it it, belongs not to the weak of hearts but to the courageous ones who dare to succeed against all odds.
And to all who are striving hard to save your married life, may God bless your every effort. Have a blessed Christmas and a happy new Year too!
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